One way to look at relationships is to divide its elements into 3 major parts in the form of an equilateral triangle. At the peak is a smaller triangle and, in the middle, a larger space and at the bottom, or base the largest of the spaces.
The three parts of the relationship are Respect, Like and Love. Respect (or lack of) is the base of all human relationships. We respect even people we do not know. Such as a new neighbor, a police officer, or a doctor. In the middle of the Triangle is Like.
Like builds from respect. As we get to know people, we either build on that respect or lose respect. Some of these acquaintances become friends. We hang out a bit, have common interests etc. After we get to know them a bit, a few of these friends whom we like, we start to love, some romantically, others as best friends.
When people come to Serenity Psychotherapy LLC, for relationship/marriage therapy they often come in hopes to regain love and like. These are the middle and top layers of the relationship. This is not where we start.
Since the foundation of all relationships is RESPECT, we will focus on this. As respect dwindles, and the foundation crumbles, people begin to find that their triangle will tumble so they take away from like and love to keep the relationship standing. It’s no longer an equilateral triangle, but a distorted structure, leaving all involved to feel less liked, less loved and disrespected. Our mission will be to restore respect and allow the relationship to once again develop.
The next step is defining what respect is. Aretha Franklin sang about this and that all she needs is a little RESPECT. In all relationships respect is the foundation and is especially important in romantic relationships. What makes up respect?
Respect can be defined as the development and maintenance of healthy boundaries. When someone crosses a boundary without permission from you it is disrespectful. When someone supports and even helps you to define and keep boundaries it is respectful. First, let’s examine the purpose of boundaries.
Boundaries are designed to keep things from getting out and other things from getting in. A wall without a gate keeps people from leaving or getting in. A prison is an example of this. Even with a prison, there is a gate to allow personnel, visitors, and prisoners-controlled excess. This is a solid boundary.
Open boundaries are like a public park; it has its entrance and exit and is open to everyone. This is an open boundary.
We have all known people who have wide open boundaries and those who are closed. Totally open boundary people stand too close, touch your arm, as they talk and have no filter. People who have closed boundaries are hard to get to know and keep their distance.
Neither of these are healthy in relationships. A healthy boundary type is semipermeable. A coffee filter is an example of a semipermeable filter. Ground coffee is placed in the filter, hot water pours over the coffee and slowly seeps through into your pot, leaving the grounds in the filter. If it was not for this semipermeable boundary your coffee would be weak, or crunchy from grounds! There are 5 boundary groups.
The first boundary is PHYSICAL. This includes hitting, shoving pinching, threatening, throwing things etc. It also includes, manipulating money, medicine, standing over a person, standing or being overly close during an argument or blocking a person’s entrance or exit from a room. This often looks like “you’re not leaving until we settle this!”
A second boundary is EMOTIONAL. Hurting someone’s feelings, calling names, being unkind, verbally attacking a loved one or something the person cherishes.
Third, is COGNITIVE. Gas lighting, stealing ideas, making someone seem intellectually stunted fall under this category.
Fourth, is SOCIAL. Not allowing socialization or impeding friendships.
Last, is the SPIRITUAL boundary. This can be a religious belief or practice but, in this case, we are focusing on the interference with what makes life exciting or rewarding to another. For example, skiing. “I am afraid you will break your neck, so I forbid you going.”
When you impede or break a boundary you are being disrespectful. When you encourage and even enhance a boundary you are being respectful.
In working with couples and families, we focus heavily in these areas. Trust, and healthy communication begin to develop as we focus on the Relationship Pyramid.